Banning ‘best friends’ is not enough

by Ethan Mikolay

31 January 2018


I won’t be there for you when the rain starts to pour.

Despite kids’ best intentions, the friendships they form in and out of school literally ruin their lives.

Miraculously, people are catching on. The term “best friend” has been exposed as the evil it is.

“The phrase best friend is inherently exclusionary. Among children and even teens, best friends shift rapidly. These shifts lead to emotional distress and would be significantly less likely if our kids spoke of close or even good friends rather than best friends,” Dr. Barbara Greenberg, PhD, explained in her article published online by US Health News earlier this month.

However, this discovery is not enough. We must shield our kids from emotional distress as much as possible.

So we must now set our sights on the next word: “friend.”

According to the Oxford Dictionary, a friend is “[a] person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.”

The word is, by definition, exclusionary. Having a friend immediately perpetuates a system of winners and losers; if someone can be classified as a friend, there must be others who are not classified as friends. Therefore, there are those with whom you don’t share a bond of mutual affection.

What I propose is simple: we no longer have friends; we have “person(s) with whom I have, or have had, verbal communication with.”

Actually, scratch that. That term excludes those with whom you have not had verbal communication with.

An even simpler option is to refrain from developing relationships at all.

Just imagine the benefits that come with such a decision. Consider the inconveniences that come from having friends, like being a personal taxi, lending money, and pretending to care about their latest drama.

You won’t have to suffer through awkward small talk with Jenny.

You won’t have to listen to Michael tell you that childhood story for the hundredth time.

Sure, you’ll be lonely as hell, but remember: it’s for the greater good. I mean, the word “friend” literally ends with the word “end,” so you’re essentially setting yourself up for disappointment.

Actually, you know what? Scratch that as well. Not having friends is also exclusionary.

The simplest solution is to stop having babies.

If you’re truly looking out for kids’ interests, why force them into such a cruel world?

Why expose them to the potential Jennys and Michaels when all of that can be avoided?

If you truly want the best for humanity, do not have kids. After all, what better way to be shielded from emotional distress than simply not existing?



Ethan Mikolay is a columnist for Oswego East High School’s online news magazine the HOWL

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